☠️ THE UNHOLY SIZE MATCHUP SCROLL ☠️ Jake “Joke” Paul vs. Reality — An Eternal Roast by Kai Rex Klok
RAH VEH YAH DAH. No more whispers. This is the full‑power, neck‑snapping roast of clown‑weight boxing: exposing the circus, the marketing, and the algorithm that made it all possible — in 4K.
RAHHH VEH YAH DAHHH 🜂
Let the Eternal Roast now be fully unchained.
No more whispering truth — we gon’ yell it loud enough to snap necks in the group chat.
This is ☠️ THE UNHOLY SIZE MATCHUP SCROLL ☠️ — and it’s time to bury these fools in 4K.
🥊 JOKE PAUL: THE MIDGET BOXER MOGUL
An Undisputed Roast Scroll by Kai Rex Klok
“You don’t need a title when you’ve bought the circus — but damn, at least fight someone your size.”
⛩ EXHIBIT A: THE HEIGHT OF CLOWNERY
Jake “Joke” Paul is out here fighting grown men that could get cast as your car keychain.
He’s 6′1″, 200 lbs on a clean bulk —
And he books a fight with Gervonta “Lil Bad Mon” Davis who clocks in at 5′5″, 133 soaking wet with ankle weights on.
Bruh.
That’s not a challenge.
That’s bullying with legal paperwork.
That’s if the DMV let Goliath register “David” as a sparring partner.
He ain’t a boxer. He’s a Pay-Per-View Petting Zoo Operator.
“Come see the influencer punch a featherweight! Watch the toddler sparring showcase! Only $79.99!”
At this rate, he about to punch Kevin Hart in a booster seat and call it a trilogy.
💰 EXHIBIT B: RICH OFF WHAT?
Joke Paul keeps screaming “I’m rich!” like that changes the size of his opponents.
You’re rich because the algorithm let you sell overpriced “hype” to the attention-deficient.
You cashed in on Gen Z impulse clicks, and now you think you’re Don King with a Shopify backend.
🫴 Ain’t nobody saluting a “combat résumé” that reads like a LinkedIn for failed TikTokers.
Let’s break it down:
🏀 1 retired NBA dad who never boxed
🤼 2 MMA guys with arthritis and a podcast
🥊 3 decisions against UFC lightweights turned Uber drivers
🐭 And now… a 133-lb Fruit Ninja with a fade
That ain’t boxing.
That’s a celebrity weight reduction challenge with ring lights.
🐜 EXHIBIT C: GERVONTA “LIL BAD MON” DAVIS
Now let’s talk about Gervonta “Gas Station Napoleon” Davis.
My man walks around like he’s Mike Tyson in a Mario Kart.
He 5′5″ on Tinder and still has to scroll up to see his own reflection.
And somehow…
He walks out like a demon with Meek Mill in the background…
But needs a box to reach the microphone at press conferences.
You not a “bad mon”, bro.
You’re a fun-sized cruiserweight chew toy wearing Grant gloves.
You look like the final boss of a high school lunch line.
You agreed to fight a man 70 pounds heavier than you —
that’s not brave, that’s delusional marketing with CTE risk.
🤡 EXHIBIT D: JAKE’S FUTURE OPPONENTS
You wanna see where this goes next? Bet:
2026: A fidget spinner with arms
2027: Logan Paul’s hair stylist’s son
2028: A hologram of Bruce Lee (at bantamweight)
2029: Hasbulla’s ghost wearing foam gloves and a GoPro
2030: A literal AI-generated baby boxer named “Lil Algorithm”
By 2031, Jake will be fighting himself in a mirror, announcing:
“Undefeated vs everyone under 5′6″.”
⛓ EXHIBIT E: THE FINAL BELL
Jake Paul, you are not the future of boxing.
You’re the paid intermission between real fights.
You don’t box —
You cosplay as a combat athlete while fighting guys you’d have to bend your knees to high-five.
You duck real cruiserweights like they’re asking you for rent money.
You don’t want a belt — you want content.
You want 10-second knockouts you can replay with a beat drop and a promo code.
Let’s be honest:
You fought a midget.
You’re flexing on toddlers.
You turned combat sports into OnlyFans for dudes with cauliflower ears.
📜 FINAL VERDICT
🃏 Jake Paul is not “undefeated.” He’s “under-tested.”
🚗 Gervonta Davis ain’t “The Tank.” He’s “The SmartCar.”
💰 This fight is not a contest. It’s a marketing funnel with gloves on.
The only thing shorter than Tank is the list of real fighters Jake has faced.
And the only thing bigger than Jake’s biceps is his delusion.
The clown car has landed.
And both these fools are sharing the front seat like it’s a toddler Uber.
🕯 RAH VEH YAH DAH
Let the bell ring.
Let the scroll seal.
And let the memes be eternal.
📜 APPENDIX OF ANNIHILATION
The Final Facts That End Joke Paul’s “Legacy” in Boxing
Curated by Kai Rex Klok — Builder of the Scroll, Ringer of Bells, Eraser of Hype
“When your entire résumé fits in a group chat meme, you’re not a fighter — you’re an algorithm glitch with gloves.”
🧾 I. FIGHT RECORD: THE TRUTH BEHIND THE STATS
Opponent
Weight Class
Record at Time
Context (Reality)
AnEsonGib (YouTuber)
Middleweight
2–0
Fought like a Gumby doll. No head movement.
Nate Robinson (NBA)
NONE
0–0
5′9″ dunk contest champ. Was asleep mid-air.
Ben Askren (MMA)
Retired
1–0 (boxing)
Funky wrestler with hip issues. Looked drunk.
Tyron Woodley (MMA)
Retired
0–1 (boxing)
Never boxed before. Took the fight for a paycheck.
Anderson Silva (MMA Legend)
Retired
3–1 (boxing)
47 years old. Just wanted to dance.
Tommy Fury (real boxer)
Cruiserweight
Undefeated
Jake lost. Blamed distractions.
Nate Diaz (MMA)
Lightweight
0–0 (boxing)
Threw 12-punch slap combos in slow motion.
Gervonta Davis (upcoming)
Lightweight
29–0 (pro)
133 lbs. Jake weighs 200.
TOTAL: 1 real boxer, 0 real cruiserweights defeated
🤡 II. QUOTES THAT DIDN’T AGE WELL
🗣 “I’m here to change boxing.”
You did. You made it a TikTok filter.
🗣 “This is for the legacy.”
Bro… fighting a man with a 70-lb difference is not legacy. That’s lawsuit weight class.
🗣 “I want Canelo.”
You won’t even fight Badu Jack. Sit down.
🗣 “I’m not ducking anyone.”
Where’s the fight with a natural cruiserweight? A ranked one? Exactly.
🗣 “I do this for the culture.”
Which culture? The one that sells PPV by punching down — literally?
📉 III. THE MATH OF THE CIRCUS
Jake Paul walk-around weight: 200+ lbs
Gervonta Davis: 133 lbs
Height difference: 8 inches
Weight class gap: 4+ classes
Regulatory red flags: California, Nevada, and NY wouldn’t sanction without catchweight and exhibition clauses
Pay-per-view price: $74.99
Value for real boxing fans: $0.00
Odds of being remembered as a real boxer: 0.000%
🪦 IV. TESTIMONY FROM THE GHOSTS OF BOXING
Muhammad Ali (spiritually): “I fought giants in their prime. Not child-sized champions in their off-season.”
Mike Tyson (alive but very aware):
“The dude’s got heart… but let’s be honest. He’d last one round with a real cruiserweight.”Floyd Mayweather (the meme king himself):
“I fight exhibitions to cash checks. But I don’t pretend they’re world titles.”
🔥 V. THE FINAL LOGIC BOMB
If Jake Paul is truly “for the people,”
Then why has he:
Never fought someone in his own weight class with a live jab?
Never stepped in against a top 25 cruiserweight?
Spent more time vlogging his protein intake than studying southpaw footwork?
Because he’s not a fighter. He’s a marketer.
And the whole world’s finally catching on.
Boxing is the art of facing your equal — not booking stunt matches to sell shirts.
☠️ VERDICT: THE FINAL SEAL
Jake Paul is not a boxer.
He’s the mascot of the Era of Unchecked Delusion —
A tech-bro gladiator in a simulation nobody respects.
This ends now.
No belts. No legacy. No truth.
Only a scroll.
A clown car.
And a very loud bell.
RAH. VEH. YAH. DAH.
The circus is over. 🎪🔔
📜 FINAL APPENDIX B: THE WTF COMPENDIUM
“The moment you remember Jake Paul got famous from Bizaardvark… and somehow ended up calling out world champions with zero shame.”
A Sovereign Dissection by Kai Rex Klok
This ain’t beef. This is a bonfire.
🤯 SECTION I: THE CAREER PATH OF A DELUSIONAL NPC
Let’s track this man’s evolution:
Year
Event
Comment
2016
Starred in Disney’s Bizaardvark
Literally played a clout-chasing goofball named “Dirk.” Not satire. A documentary.
2017
Fired from Disney for being too chaotic
Got booted from a show about pranks for being… too disruptive.
2018
Started fake marriages for YouTube views
Married Erika Costell. Then Tana. Then views dropped. Then he boxed.
2019
Said “I’m a real fighter” after beating a YouTuber in basketball shorts
Had no footwork, no jab, but had a camera crew.
2020
Called himself “the face of boxing” after KO’ing Nate Robinson
Nate trained for 3 weeks. Came in like a crash-test dummy.
2021
Said he’d beat Canelo within 3 years
Canelo blinked, looked around, and kept walking.
2022
Fought Anderson Silva (age 47)
Took 8 rounds to beat a retired striker doing yoga between rounds.
2023
Lost to Tommy Fury
Blamed distractions. Like… maybe the reality show?
2025
Calls out Gervonta Davis (5′5″, 133 lbs)
Weighs 200 lbs. Like punching down wasn’t a metaphor anymore.
This isn’t a fighter’s journey.
It’s a monetized identity crisis with gym membership perks.
🪞 SECTION II: “BIZAARDVARK” IS CANON
Yes, Jake Paul’s first major role was on a Disney show about a fake YouTube house.
Let that land.
The man calling out world champions played a character who got famous for making dumb videos —
which is exactly what Jake Paul is still doing.
Exhibit: Actual Description from the Show
“Dirk is known for his reckless stunts and willingness to do anything for online likes.”
Bro didn’t even act.
He just showed up as himself and said lines written by Disney interns.
And now?
Now he walks into weigh-ins like he’s Sugar Ray Robinson in a press-fit tracksuit talking about legacy.
😵 SECTION III: WTF QUOTES ON RECORD
🗣️ “I’m bringing boxing back.”
⤷ You brought it back the way AutoZone brings back your alternator. Loud and barely working.
🗣️ “People doubted me from day one.”
⤷ No one doubted you’d get famous. We just hoped it wouldn’t involve glorified assault on people 6 inches shorter than you.
🗣️ “I’m a disruptor like Elon.”
⤷ Elon launches rockets. You launched a 5′5″ man into early retirement.
🗣️ “I’m fighting for the culture.”
⤷ You boxed a YouTuber, an ex-wrestler, a retired MMA fighter, and a featherweight with a neck tattoo. The culture is fine, bro.
🧬 SECTION IV: WTF FACTS THAT CAN’T BE MADE UP
✅ Trained in Puerto Rico for “vibes.”
Literally moved there because it’s “more spiritual.” Translation: tax loophole.✅ Refused to fight anyone taller than 5′9″.
Has never fought someone his own size professionally. Check the stats.✅ Once rapped about how great he is… while wearing a helmet.
“It’s Everyday Bro” — the anthem of delusion. Certified Nickelodeon trauma.✅ Filmed a drive-by prank video with toilet paper.
Then blamed it on “haters not getting the joke.” (Bro, the joke was you.)✅ Tried to join the UFC.
Dana White literally laughed on camera. Said, “We’ve got enough clowns.”✅ Once claimed he’d be president by 2030.
At this point, he might be. Just depends how many TikToks it takes.
🐐 SECTION V: WHO HE
DIDN’T
FIGHT
Let’s list just a few real names that would expose the algorithm:
Name
Status
Why Jake Didn’t Fight
Badu Jack
Natural Cruiserweight
Too big. Too real. Too African.
Lawrence Okolie
WBO Cruiser Champ
6′5″, nuclear reach. Jake vanished.
Jai Opetaia
Undefeated. Violent.
Probably would’ve ended the brand.
David Benavidez
Just a super middleweight
But he actually throws combinations. Not safe.
Any ranked top-10 cruiserweight
Breathing
Would’ve sent Jake’s PPV dreams to the ICU.
Instead…
He chose “Lil Bad Mon”, a 5′5″ mini menace who walks like he’s about to get ID’d at Top Golf.
⚰️ SECTION VI: THE FUNERAL STATS
Let’s close the scroll with the final tally:
Metric
Result
Real ranked boxers fought
1 (lost)
Fighters under 5′9″
6 out of 7
Fights above 175 lbs
0 legit
Opponents with more than 2 years boxing experience
1
Opponents who were actually boxers
2 (Tommy, Anderson sorta)
Lifetime win by KO over real cruiserweights
0
# of times he mentioned “legacy” in interviews
Infinite
Actual legacy left behind
Meme scrolls and TikTok edits
🔔 RAH VEH YAH DAH: THE SEAL IS BROKEN
Jake Paul, you are the first man to go from Disney sitcom sidekick → fake husband → crypto bro → stunt boxer → self-declared GOAT — all without once fighting someone your own size.
You’re the physical embodiment of what happens when ego gets Wi-Fi.
So now let the appendix be closed.
Let the clout collapse.
Let the circus leave town.
And let this scroll be burned into the feed.
YOU. FOUGHT. A. MIDGET.
And still asked us to call it “history.”
Goodnight.
Clown.
Sealed in scroll.
💀📜🔥
📜 FINAL APPENDIX C: THE ABSOLUTE BURIAL
“Not a roast. A ritual. Not a clowning. A coffin.”
By Kai Rex Klok
Builder of the Scroll, Architect of Eternal Coherence, Destroyer of Delusion
💀 CHAPTER I: BIZAARDVARK TO BOXING — A DEATH SPIRAL
Let’s be crystal clear:
Jake Paul’s entire life arc is one long algorithmic hallucination.
We didn’t witness a man evolve —
We watched a content bubble inflate around a clout-possessed suburban NPC.
🧃 FROM VINE STAR TO VIAL OF EGO
2013: Posts six-second Vines of fake pranks.
2016: Plays Dirk Mann on Bizaardvark — a character whose literal job is “to do dumb stunts for clicks.”
2017: Gets fired from a Disney show about clout for being too much of a liability.
2018–2020: Fake weddings, ghost hunting, Team 10 meltdown, neighbors filing complaints, lawsuits, and somehow…
2021: Declares himself “the face of boxing.” After punching 5′9″ Nate Robinson into the floorboards like a 2K ragdoll.
🧠 Let that land:
This is a man who was kicked off a kids’ show about being annoying online
…then doubled down on being annoying online and started charging $75 to see him fight people two weight classes below his natural BMI.
🎭 CHAPTER II: THE THEATER OF FRAUD
Jake Paul is not a boxer.
He’s a themed LARP character with a brand manager.
You wanna know the truth that ends him?
EVERYTHING YOU THINK IS REAL ABOUT HIM IS STAGED.
The losses? Scripted redemption arcs.
The wins? Carefully selected matchups.
The training camps? Lit content shoots with LED lighting.
The “grit”? Cut from montages with dubstep and fake blood.
The “legacy”? Propped up by kids who don’t know who Marvin Hagler is.
He is not “disrupting” boxing.
He is cosplaying as Rocky while fighting toddlers in wigs.
🥷 CHAPTER III: CRIMES AGAINST COMBAT
Let’s list the boxing sins committed by this influencer messiah:
🧾 Offense
📌 Reality
Refusing to fight any ranked cruiserweight
Literally none. He fights down, never up.
Using weight advantage as a marketing tool
Gervonta Davis is 5′5″ and 133 lbs. Jake walks in at 200+.
Spending more on entrance pyrotechnics than sparring
More glitter. Less grit.
Talking about Canelo but avoiding journeymen
Never even called out someone like Gilberto Ramirez.
Wearing Gucci robes after defeating retired wrestlers
Like winning a food fight and putting on the Olympic jacket.
Making TikToks mid-training camp
Real ones don’t vlog. They bleed.
🧊 CHAPTER IV: FREEZE-FRAME MOMENTS THAT ENDED HIM INSTANTLY
📸 That time he lost to Tommy Fury, then said “I’m still undefeated in spirit.”
Bro… that’s not spirit. That’s cognitive dissonance with a fade.📸 When he punched Nate Robinson and flexed like he beat Holyfield.
Nate trained for two weeks and came in like he was wearing Timberlands.📸 When he wore a ski mask to interviews and talked about “stealing the show.”
You didn’t steal the show, Jake. You are the show.
And it’s a mid-budget streaming flop.📸 When he said “fighting Tank Davis is about legacy.”
Nah, legacy ain’t about predatory weight bullying and media optics.
That’s opt-in clout abuse.
🐸 CHAPTER V: THE MODERN MEME KING HAS NO CLOTHES
Jake Paul isn’t the new Ali.
He’s not Tyson.
He’s not even Butterbean.
He’s BizarrdFloyd Mayweather — a fantasy character who exists only when YouTube is buffering slowly enough for Gen Z to believe he’s real.
You know how we know he’s not real?
Because every real fighter grows over time.
Jake Paul has regressed.
From fighting ex-MMA guys in his weight class to now fighting a 5′5″ lightweight with neck tats and no reach advantage.
He’s not climbing a mountain —
He’s digging a sandbox.
🔒 CHAPTER VI: THE BURIAL SEAL — FACTS YOU CAN’T UNSEE
Jake Paul has never fought a man his own size, in his own prime, in his own weight class.
Jake Paul has never taken a fight without a marketing hook attached to the opponent’s face.
Jake Paul sells drama, not danger.
Jake Paul’s fights are content, not combat.
Jake Paul is Bizaardvark in boxing gloves.
Jake Paul is the first man to claim “legacy” while ducking everyone above 5′9″.
Jake Paul is so desperate for a storyline, he’s punching down into the featherweight league and calling it courage.
Jake Paul is not a fighter.
He is an event manager with delusions of athletic grandeur.
⚖️ CLOSING DECLARATION
Jake Paul: You are hereby declared a false prophet of pugilism.
A walking merch funnel.
A B-roll Disney sidekick gone rogue.
An accidental experiment in what happens when clout outweighs consciousness.
We don’t need another press tour.
We don’t need another ring entrance.
We don’t need another Netflix doc with moody music and fake tears.
We need you to stop pretending.
And now — with this scroll —
We seal the delusion.
Forever.
🕯️ BIZAARDVARK, BUT MAKE IT BOXING.
🕯️ THE FINAL APPENDIX IS WRITTEN.
🕯️ THE RING IS CLOSED.
🕯️ RAH. VEH. YAH. DAH.
🛑 THE CLOWN HAS LEFT THE RING.